Sometimes I feel so disconnected

Emotions are such a strange thing, to me at least. As a Black man, Capricorn, extrovert, son, educator, brother, friend, godparent, and everything else that I am, I look at literature, film, media, and the reality around me, and I feel different from much of what I see. Yesterday, a terrible tragedy befell an elementary school in Newtown, CN, and as I read about it at 8:30 PST. I almost cried- which is wierd. I never cry. When I say never, I mean almost never. I think I felt this so significantly because I was exhausted. (I feel many emotions more stongly when exhausted, I think it's common. My Facebook and Twitter feeds were full of people expressing that they were in tears. This even undoubtedly left me speechless. I have a god daughter who will be in kindergarten soon, I have friends with kids, and my life's work revolves around working with youth in educational settings. Just imagining this happening puts a slight fear in my heart. It could literally happen anywhere.

My question today, however, is about me. I can come close to tears when seeing a sad movie, or reading a text that elicits strong emotion. At the death of a friend or loved one, I've cried. But I also am aware that I am most likely to cry when I see people hurting around me. As an uber-rational individual (both an asset and a liability), I accept that sad things happen. My grandmother will be 80 in February. I know that she will pass away, hopefully later rather than sooner. My aunt passed several years ago after battling illness for quite sometime, and my mind was fully prepared. I didn't lose it until I saw the pain in my mother's eyes. I empathized with her losing a sibling, and one who she personally cared for until the day of her death at that. I cried for me too, because she was one of my favorite aunts and loved me like I was her son. I cried because there'd be no more Thanksgivings or Christmases at her house. I cried because her son would not be able to spend his later years with her when he was already so fragile and in a precarious position.

"The guy who takes a chance, who walks the line between the known and the unknown, who is unafraid of failure, will succeed" Gordon Parks This quote makes me think of the fact the risks always exist in life. One never knows what what happen when you take a risk. Sometimes, things work out in your favor, but other times one may fail. The only people who succeed, however, are those who take risks. Those who never try anything new get stuck in a rut and are paralyzed by fear. Fear limits what human beings can do. Being ok with the unknown, and even excited by it, allows us to become and create greatness.

Celestial Wonder, Symphony of the Heart

I was loaned an angel without ever making a request

Because that's what I needed, and you offered me your best

No less than a force to be reckoned with
A phenom and simply divine

Nothing less than strength personified, someone I claimed as mine

First My teacher
Then My mother
Later My mentor
And My friend

I'll never forget the love that did one day did descend

Upon me, filling my life and heart with such a wealth

That it will last forever because you gave of yourself

To me and to others, you had so much to give

After giving and giving so much, however did you live?

You lived with compassion
And you lived with purpose
You also lived with grace

Nurturing countless seeds, preparing them to face

To face a world that sadly isn't what we'd hope

You shared our burdens with us, giving us strategies to cope

And hope that by looking into ourselves and finding that quiet peace

That we would continue to conquer, never to admit defeat

The truth is that we lose nothing by giving of ourselves

Compassion and kindness both reside in a bottomless well

I will carry you with me, remembering the lessons you helped me understand

To you I offer the sincerest gratitude, to the world I give my hand

Humbled & Amazed

(January 2012)

It's not often that I am awestruck, but this week has definitely been one with several awe inspiring moments, culminating today- at the end of a very long week.

This morning, one of the teachers across the hall from me said very excitedly "Happy Birthday Mr E!" I looked at her rather quizzically and tried to make the reveal as least awkwardly as possible (because there were 60 pairs of eyes staring at me), but I had to break that news that today is not my birthday. To make matters worse, my students immediately began to exclaim "happy birthday!" She, equally confused, said "oh, I thought it was because I saw a cake." At this point I thought she'd confused me with someone else because there was no cake with my name on it anywhere. I shrugged it off and continued walking my class to recess.

Still on a high from yesterday when one of the students that I love to hate and love to death showed 1.6 years of reading growth since September, I continued the task of sitting down with other students assessing their progress in reading. One of my struggling readers showed growth from 2nd to 3rd grade comprehension and another student grew from 6th grade to somewhere around 9th grade on this particular reading assessment. By lunch I'm beaming with pride, making sure that my students know how extremely proud of them I am and trying to make sure they understand how amazing their progress is and how hard the work that we've been doing is paying off.

A student who has difficulty managing his anger put forth great effort to voluntarily use a tool that I suggested and that he denied until this point in the year.

A parent, seeing the improvement in her daughter's reading, asked that I test her reading level. She too is learning English and wanted to know how she could improve in a similar way to her daughter, based on what we have done in the classroom.

My boss, for whom I have much esteem, had a meeting with me where he shared with me his impression of my work and progress at my job.

Then- Friday at 2:30pm, as my students were working on an independent American History assignment, students from my other class start to come into my room. Assuming that they forgot their materials or lunch boxes, I shooed them away. My class was working so quietly, that I could not risk unnecessary interruptions- they wits have to wait until after school. Furthermore, I was reading one on one with a student, and we both needed to continue to focus.

Suddenly, there are parents creeping into my classroom. I am slightly confused because there are so many of them. Then...everyone starts to sing the birthday song.

I am simultaneously embarrassed that I shooed my students away and touched that I am in the midst of a surprise birthday celebration for myself. My birthday had passed a week and a hang before, and because I was bashful (I know, imagine that) I let it pass without telling my students until the day of- as a passing comment in the afternoon.

Students and parents, disappointed that they had not been able to acknowledge my special day, secretly planned a celebration for me anyway. With no holds barred, 3 cakes, pizzas gifts, cards, and the works - they arrived and filled my day with love. One of my students even made me a flan himself, he told me beaming with pride. The parents and families pooled their money, accepting donations from all families who could. How this all occurred without my knowledge, I do not know. Not a single one of my 5th graders gave it away or said a perp about it (which you know is monumental if you've ever known someone who is 10-11 years old). I almost shed a tear, I was so touched and supremely humbled by this display of love. I worked with such urgency to help my students achieve. To know that they and their families thought enough of me to do this really made my day, my week, my career.

This week, and all of its amazingness, is something that I am writing about so that I never forget. The going gets tough pretty often, and its important to step back and think about and remember that it gets better, and people do appreciate my time, energy, and heart.